Ultimate Thrill
by idioticonion
Summary: Barney's fantasy becomes a reality, but with who? And it doesn't turn out quite the way he'd dreamed. Spoilers up to the end of Season 3 only. Adult for m/m and m/f pairings.
1. Chapter 1

**Ultimate thrill**

Okay, so perhaps it wasn't his brightest idea to have carried on about this _quite_ so much on his blog! Three posts on the subject probably _was_ excessive.

Hindsight is 20-20…

She pushes Barney, unbalancing him so that he falls backwards to land heavily. It's a hard surface and his arms are trapped behind him, beneath him, fingers tingling from where he'd been tightly bound at the wrists.

He can smell her… It's a _her_… definitely a woman. The scent of perfume, femininity… he can feel her long hair flicking against his bare skin as she manhandles him, straddles him.

He can't _see_ her.

They've gagged him, blindfolded him, stripped him of his shirt and trousers. Left him in socks and boxers and somehow he's feeling all the more vulnerable because he's _not quite_ naked.

He tries to turn over because his hands are hurting like a motherfucker and there are pins and needles running up his arms. She stands, toeing him on to his belly before kicking him viciously in the side. He tries to cry out, around the ball-gag.

He feels the vibration, deep in his throat, but there's no sound at all.

She can do what she wants. He can't make a sound.

And to think that he'd imagined all this to be kinky in a _good_ way…

*--*--*

_"Barney, there's no WAY that's true!" Robin insisted. _

_"Dude, it's definitely an urban myth!" Ted agreed. _

_Marshall looked a little scared. _

_"No, guys, seriously. There's this gang of women that kidnap rich people. International business men like myself," Barney pointed at his chest, beaming, "And they hold them to ransom, but not in the traditional sense. They get the hostage themselves to hand over the dough! It's awesome!" _

_"Then they kill them?" Marshall gulped. _

_"Nah, they usually just fool around with them for a while before letting them go. You know, lots of kinky, rough-house sex?" Barney looked wistful. "Man, I'd pay someone to do that to me. I mean… think about it?"_

_He and Ted let out twin sighs. _

_"That's sick, Barney!" Lily said, hitting him on the arm. _

_"Hey!"_

_"And what if they DID kill you?" Robin asked, scowling at him. _

_"Then at least I'd die happy."_

*--*--*

Kidnapped…

How lame is that?

No matter what he said on his blog, he never thought this would happen to him.

Trouble is, it IS the ultimate thrill, Barney can see that now. When you have everything you could ever want - money, suits, girls, you start craving something else, something different. He's toyed with the idea of the loss of control for some time.

And this is what it feels like.

He knows that his captor (captor-ess?) has a gun because he's heard her cock it. He knows she's got something sharp because she jabs him in the thigh with it, making him not-yelp behind the gag as she flips him on to his back, so that his weight is on his hands again.

This shouldn't turn him on as much as it does. It _really_ does. He can't help it, he gets hard and she notices (of course). It's probably why she does this, the filthy minx. It's nothing to do with the money. She's not even asked him for his bank account details! This is all about the domination.

Barney tries to swallow, almost choking, when he feels her yank down his boxers and run something along his dick.

Her tongue. She's licking him.

His toes curl into the hard floor. His hands are numb, his arms throbbing, but he doesn't care. The pain is nothing. The pain is something he can control if she keeps doing that, lathing his penis with her clever, tricksy tongue. When she takes the head into her mouth and starts to suck on it like a lollypop, he thinks he's going to explode. The ache starts low, right down in his spine, behind his balls and he closes his eyes tight shut, biting down on the gag as her fingers probe behind his scrotum, playing with his anus. He bucks his hips as he feels something wet and her fingers pop inside him, exploring, wriggling...

Stars flash in front of his eyes as he squirms beneath her and-

Ahhhhh! Fuck!

He's so close, so close, oh shit, he doesn't care, just do that… do THAT… suck harder, shit! Ahhhhgh-?

There's a noise and her mouth is gone and it takes him long seconds to process what's happened because everything's white noise and his brain is fizzing and sparking.

"What the hell? Where am I?" Someone shouts from nearby. A guy. The voice is familiar. "Where am I? Is anyone there-? Hey? Let me GO!! LET ME GO!!!"

Barney would love to cover his ears because the dude starts screaming incoherently (like a girl) but his hands are still trapped. He wishes he could speak, shout out, because he knows that voice and the screaming is scaring him, terrifying him in fact.

He knows that voice.

Because it's Ted.


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2**

The woman pulls at his bicep and Barney tries, he really _tries_, to lash out with one leg and kick her. But he's blindfolded and disorientated and there's still some sort of sedative sloshing around his system. He misses by a mile and she drags him along the floor. She's strong, this one. She's like an Amazon! He wonders if she's blonde? Tanned? Muscular?

Hot.

"Shut up, or I'll shut you up!" His captor-ess growls and Barney recognises her voice. He definitely recognises her voice but he can't place it. Out of all the women in NYC, what are the odds that he'd be kidnapped by one he knew/had slept with?

Actually, pretty high.

What up.

There's a slap, the sound of a palm meeting flesh and Barney flinches. But it's not for him, it's for Ted.

"You," The Kidnap-ess says, prodding Barney in the shoulder. "You, service _him_…" Barney can't see, can't speak. He has no idea what she means by "service". What the hell is "service"?

She must see his confusion because she says "I mean, suck his cock…" She pulls hard on the back of Barney's skull and takes a handful of hair with her as she works the ball gag free. He gasps, his tongue sliding back into place, his teeth aching. He tries to talk, gags, and doesn't make a sound. He tries again but his voice box feels funny. Kind-of dead.

"You can't talk?" The woman laughs - a nasty, giggly-laugh. "Must be the drugs. I didn't know how much to give you." She pushes his shoulders so that he bumps against Ted. He can smell sweat, fear and Ted's cologne. If only she'd free his hands he and Ted would totally show her a thing or two! Barney manages to get up on to his knees to steady himself. Behind the blindfold, he narrows his eyes, trying to work out the angle he needs. He'll only get one chance at this and if he misses he's pretty sure he's in for some pain.

He lunges forward, moving his head quickly until he can feel the soft material of Ted's blindfold under his lips, he bites down and he _pulls_! He yanks his head back, teeth clenched like a dog worrying a chew toy and the material comes free, dislodges from Ted's eyes and it allows his Bro to see, even if Barney can't.

Before Barney has time to spit out the blindfold, he can hear Ted struggling backwards, awkwardly, evidently bound like he is.

"Holy CRAP! Barney?"

Barney shakes his head. He can't talk, can't see! Doesn't Ted _listen_?

Then there's a pause and Ted stops struggling. The silence stretches out eerily before Ted stammers: "You?"

*--*--*

Barney hears the gun cock. What's happening? Ted goes silent again and he hears the woman walk across the floor, he heels clicking against the cold flagstones (presumably they're flagstones).

"What-? What do you want?" Ted says. He sounds terrified. "You psycho bitch! Let us go!"

There's a smacking sound, a sickening crunch and Ted is choking. Barney is left there, on his knees, his hands completely numb, bound behind his back, blindfolded, unable to speak and he's never felt more helpless.

He's never felt more aroused.

Something touches him, a hand, pushing him back down on to the floor. Ted whispers in his ear "Sorry, dude. Look, just go with this? I'll get us out of here!"

Barney nods, letting Ted push him back on to the floor. "She wants you to… you know… Suck me…" Ted says, almost biting his tongue off in an effort not to say the words.

Barney wriggles down Ted's body while his friend helpful hoists himself up. Not being able to see, Barney navigates blind, by touch, smell, taste. Ted's musky, but not entirely unpleasant and it's not like he hasn't done this before. Being the sensitive, long-haired hippy all through college, there were certain… things… it would have been stupid not to try. Drugs. dudes... They were pretty-much mandatory classes.

He smiles at the memory. It's a part of himself which died with his relationship with Shannon. It always seemed so long ago, like he was a different person.

But, by Christ, he remembers some of it now. In technicolour.

His tongue darts beneath Ted's balls, flicking over them one by one, pressing between them. Ted's pubic hair is trimmed really short, which Barney finds highly amusing. But it's nice not to have to force his way through the undergrowth to get to where he needs to go. Ted's penis tastes salty and it shifts under his mouth, quickly stiffening until Barney can feel the pulsing vein and suddenly it's smooth and warm and it tastes amazing.

Wow, he'd forgotten how much he enjoys this, how _good_ he is at this!

But then again, how could anyone expect less than awesome from Barney Stinson? He chuckles, silently, his throat buzzing.

He runs his tongue up and down Ted's dick, feeling his friend quiver, trying not to buck his hips. But he kind-of _wants_ Ted to let go. If he's being forced to make Ted come, he wants it to be _mindblowing_.

Goddammit, he wishes they had their hands free! He wants Ted's hands in his hair. He wants to push his fingers between Ted's legs and show him what an orgasm should _really_ be like.

But he can do that anyway because he's got his lips wrapped around the head of Ted's dick and he wonders if he can still do what he used to do… it's all about suppressing the gag-reflex - will power, mind of matter (mind over _cock_!) and yeah…

Oh yeah…

Ted makes this odd little mewling sound (bet you never made him do that, _Robin_! Hah!) and starts practically hyperventilating as Barney keeps him on the edge, sucking rhythmically but not hard or fast enough to get Ted off. He can keep this up for hours…

Ted curses him, begs him for relief, but Barney can hear other sounds now, he can hear _her_, the kidnapper-ess, 'cos she's bringing herself off, the dirty bitch. She's got her finger between her legs when she should have _him_ and it burns Barney so bad that he loses control and sucks really hard, taking Ted's dick so far down that his nose is practically in Ted's pubic hair!

Ted lets out a strangles squeal and his cock erupts, pulsing, jets of warm, sour fluid hitting the back of Barney's throat. He makes the Herculean effort to swallow and Ted pulls away from him, groaning low in his throat.

Barney laughs. There's a vague gargling noise. Hey, at least he can feel something in his throat again, even if it's pain, like really bad strep.

There's the sound of clapping, slow and sarcastic.

"You boys…" The woman says. "That was a good show. I just might keep you here…"

Barney doesn't get it. What about the money?

"I might just make you fuck each other," she continues. "Or I might just kill you now!"

Okay, so she's definitely on the crazy side of the hot/crazy scale, but it's not a deal-breaker!

"Please Abby…" Ted says.

"Abby?" Barney chokes.

"You've got to let us go!" Ted pleads. "You'll never get away with this! People will miss us… look for us!"

Abby laughs.

Abby! Barney shakes his head. Really? That wasn't even funny. It's been Abby all the time? Didn't she screw with his life enough the last time she took an interest in him?

But… oh, of course. This isn't about _him_.

"Ted…" He chokes, warningly.

He gave her Ted's home address. Shit.

The gun cocks again.

Then fires.

Barney swears his heart stops in that moment. He gasps for air, trying to work out if he's been hit, deafened by the gunshot, choking on the thick stench of cordite. "Ted! TED!" He shrieks.

But there's a rushing noise and the sound of crying and he's shoved to one side, the blindfold ripped from his face.

"Scherbatsky?" He croaks.

"Stupid bitch told me where she was going to take you!" Robin laughs, attempting to unpick the rope knotted around Barney's wrists. Ted's on his hands and knees, choking.

"Christ!" Is all that Barney can manage.

"She overheard us talking in the bar," Robin says, by way of explanation. "She told me she planned to get even with the two of you. I thought she was dellusional."

Abby is lying on the ground, a pool of blood slowly spreading across the floor.

"We should call the cops…" Ted suggests as Barney's hands sprang free.

"You think?" Robin says, her voice dripping with irony.

"What if Abby tries this again?" Ted protests.

Abby groans. Not dead then?

Robin grins. "She won't. She knows she'd have to deal with me."

Barney catches the way that Ted's looking at Robin. He'd bet anyone a million dollars that he has exactly the same look on his face right now.

"Say you're my bitches?" Robin says.

"We're your bitches," Ted and Barney respond, in unison. Well, she _is_ still waving the gun around.

"YEAH you are!" Robin laughs.


End file.
